To Ease the Passing of Time

I don’t know if you are like me, but as I get older, as the years go by, I find it more and more difficult and boring to live with myself. When you have been living with yourself for so long, and you know yourself so well, you how exactly how you are going to react, and what you are going to say or think in each situation. You tell yourself afterwards, “That was so much like you! I knew you were going to do that or you were going to say that. You are so frigging predictable.” It comes to a point where you get on your own nerves. After living with yourself for so long, you know your qualities and you know your defects. You know how you think, and you know what words automatically come to your mind. There are no more surprises. And even when you talk to yourself, it’s boring. You keep telling yourself the same old stories over and over again.

When you are young, it’s different. Sometimes, you surprise yourself. You cannot really predict what you are going to do or what you are going to say in each situation. You tell yourself afterwards, “Wow! I can’t believe I said that! That was pretty clever…or dumb!” or “I’m really surprised by what I did! That wasn’t like me!” You are discovering and building yourself at the same time. You don’t know what your talents and weaknesses are. There is something unknown and unpredictable in you that makes your life fun and entertaining. You are an ongoing project. You are a work in progress.

Now that I am old, I know that no matter how boring and predictable I became, I will have to live with myself until I die. I also know that as I get even older, things are not going to be any better. I made the decision that even if I often get on my own nerves, as well as on the nerves of the people around me, I will try my best to be forgiving and patient with myself. I know that if there is a God who loves us, as I was told when I was a child, that’s what he would probably want me to do.